The "How Did I Get HERE?" Department

Ever see a cat moon walk?

"Alright, class. Settle down. Now let's assume for purposes of this experiment that Mr. bin Laden is, oh, say a cat......."

I'm Proud; I EARNED This!

I'm A 1950s Geek

You're smart... and also slightly maniacal. There's just no hiding plots for world domination, sorry.

find your geek decade at spacefem.com

Retrosexual Movement

Note: This is from an old shipmate of mine, named Fox. He claims that he's had it:

OK, I have had it. I've taken all that I can stand and I can't stand ... no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen are effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui. "Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual - bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world! Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, fart and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the Culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement.

The Code :

A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS WITH IT, be it a flat tire, a break-in at your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little wuss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor knot!

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot.

Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing and/or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" or "you wussies" look on his face.

A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.

A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride in a snow bank.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's). NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT !

Send this to all the MEN you know, even if they are "WUSSIES"

Flame Retardant Found in Lake Michigan

WASHINGTON (Nov. 24) - Concentrations of a flame retardant have been found in Lake Michigan and are increasing, adding to concerns over previous findings that the chemicals were showing up in supermarket foods.

In the latest study, sponsored by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, University of Wisconsin scientists found PBDEs, or polybrominated diphenyl ethers, in sediment hundreds of feet down in Lake Michigan. Fish and other animals absorb chemicals and pollutants through the environment, storing them in fat that people then eat. Studies in rats and mice suggest high levels can cause liver and thyroid damage, NOAA said.

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Well, maybe they are just trying to prevent a second Chicago fire. Except that it wasn't Lake Michigan that caught fire in 1871. It was the Cayahuga River and Lake Erie that caught fire in 1969.

Gay Couples Leave Arkansas as Amendment Takes Effect

NORTH LITTLE ROCK, Ark. (Nov. 28) - At least one gay couple has decided to leave the state as an amendment to the Arkansas constitution goes into effect Thursday that bans gay marriage.

"The law does not respect me the way I respect it," said Deborah New, who along with partner Kristy Seaton has decided to move from North Little Rock to Oregon. "So I'm taking my money and my disposable income and my education and my charitable volunteering and everything else I contribute to this economy with me." The couple said they may eventually move to Canada, where gay marriage is legal. Their concern is that the amendment could have an affect on legal contracts they've set up to establish their relationship.

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Wait a minute. What did I miss here? The headline says “Couples leave”, then right away after they got my attention, it’s, well, at least ONE anyway… And they aren’t “married” apparently, since they’ve set up legal contracts somehow to establish their relationship. And while I am being picky, “affect” is a verb and “effect” is a noun. You know, sometimes I feel sorry for Canada because of the nut cases we send them.

Democrats Make Appeal for Hungry on Radio

DES MOINES, Iowa (Nov. 27) - Growing numbers of Americans were hungry this Thanksgiving, and the nation should do more to help them enjoy its bounty, the Democrats said Saturday in their weekly radio address.

"Unfortunately, the blessing of abundant food is not shared by all Americans," Iowa Gov. Tom Vilsack said. "A recent report from our Department of Agriculture documented an increase in hunger in America, particularly among our children."

[OK, we know, the Democrats had a bad November. But we didn’t know that it went so far that now they cannot even feed their own children on Thanksgiving Day.]

Vilsack, chairman of the Democratic Governors Association, said sharing is an American value rooted in the country's origins when American Indians helped the Pilgrims four centuries ago.

"On that day, sharing became an American value," Vilsack said. "Living up to that value requires us to do what we can, and what we must, to stop hunger in America."

[Oh, I see. And what was it we shared with the Indians, besides diseases they couldn’t resist and reservations they didn’t want? So, does this mean he wants to raid the Indian casinos and liberate … uh, I mean share … their huge profits? And tell me, what is the main industry in Iowa, Governor? What was that … “growing food”?]

Where Do We Get Such Men?

From the Washington Post.

Some Payback for Wounded Marines

By Caryle Murphy

The glittery glass chandeliers, gold linen napkins and fine china made an elegant setting. The food was traditional Thanksgiving fare: turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans and pumpkin pie. But the table conversation was far from conventional. "Did some damage, huh?" Manuel A. Rodriguez asked, referring to the AK-47 ammunition that smashed Paul Powell III's right leg.

"Mmm," responded Powell, 21, looking at his outstretched leg, sheathed in a metal brace to keep his shattered bones in place. "Hey, at least you have your leg, right?" Rodriguez, 20, said encouragingly, showing the understanding of a man who knows what it means to lose one. His right leg ends mid-shin. "Yes, that's true," Powell replied.

The two Marine corporals, in wheelchairs after being wounded in Iraq, were among seven recuperating Marines who, with family members, were served a Thanksgiving luncheon yesterday at the Columbia Country Club in Chevy Chase. They were also serenaded by members of "The President's Own" U.S. Marine Band. And the waiters who served the group of about 55 people included a U.S. Marine Corps general in his red-striped dress-blue trousers.

"Well, gosh, they've served us. We'll serve them back. . . . It's the least we can do for these guys and their families," said Maj. Gen. Tom Jones, head of training for the Marine Corps. "It's just a way to say thank you. We want to take the pressure off the families. . . . We just want to tell them thanks for what you've done for us." The luncheon was organized by David J. Branson, an old friend of Jones's and a member of the country club. Branson said he invited Marines recuperating at National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda and at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, the nation's primary destination for rehabilitating military amputees. Both hospitals have had surges in new patients in recent weeks as U.S. forces retook the city of Fallujah from insurgents. "We had a number of people come in very recently to Bethesda Naval," said Lt. Gen. James N. Mattis, commander of the Quantico Marine Base. "Not all of them are stabilized or mobile enough" to have attended the luncheon. At last count, on Nov. 15, 47 patients were being treated at Walter Reed, compared with the usual 30 to 40, said public affairs officer Don Vandrey. Twenty-three are amputees, he said.

Vandrey said that since the invasion of Iraq began in March 2003, the hospital has treated 3,627 war-related patients. Of those, 881 were battle casualties and the rest victims of accidents or illness. Many who attended yesterday's luncheon said there is a determination in the country to see that servicemen and women returning from Iraq are treated better than those who returned from Vietnam. "Kids coming back from Vietnam were shabbily treated by the antiwar groups. I know that will not happen this time," said Nick Glakas, a former Navy officer in Vietnam. "The country will not turn against the warriors." Glakas is president of the Career College Association, an organization of 1,250 colleges and universities. He said that it has launched a scholarship program for veterans, making them eligible for a $1,000 tuition rebate at 225 educational institutions. The community's concern for Iraqi veterans was also evident in the $20,000 presented yesterday by country club members to the Injured Marine Semper Fi Fund, which raises money to help families of wounded Marines.

Staff Sgt. Jack Sigman, 29, was there with his parents, two siblings and fiancee Summer LaVigne, 24. "It's nice to get out of the hospital," Sigman said. "And it's nice to get some really good food. It's not quite as good as home-cooked and, you know, family, but very good." Sigman's right leg was amputated after he was wounded by a rocket-propelled grenade in Ramadi on Oct. 19. He is waiting to be transferred from Bethesda to Walter Reed to get his prosthesis and learn how to walk. "I've been told it could take up to six months, but I don't plan on taking that long," said Sigman, who wore a red T-shirt that carried a message: "Support Your Local Vietnam Vets." Sigman's father, John Sigman, who lives in Cumberland, Va., was a helicopter crew chief in Vietnam. "There was nothing like this when we came home from Vietnam," he said. "It was entirely different. There was no outpouring of support."

Jack Sigman does not plan to let his injury hold him back. "It happened. I'm not happy that it happened. But I can't let it stop me," he said. "I lived through it. I got things to do." And what is one of those things? "Once I have my leg and all, come May," he said, "me and some of my friends are going to be riding our motorcycles cross country for the Rolling Thunder," a nonprofit group that sponsors a Ride for Freedom to Washington every Memorial Day weekend to honor veterans of all wars. Rodriguez, who is from San Antonio, said he, too, is ready to roll. "I work out every day. . . . I want to get walking," said Rodriguez, who borrowed a trumpet and played the "Marines' Hymn" with the Marine Band. Rodriguez, an outpatient at Walter Reed, was injured Sept. 3 about 30 miles south of Baghdad when a 120mm artillery round hit his vehicle.

Powell, who is from Portland, Ore., was at the luncheon with his father, Paul Powell II, and stepmother, Tammy Powell. "I feel good to be out of the hospital," the younger Powell said. He said he was shot in the leg during a house-to-house sweep to clear insurgents out of Fallujah. It happened, he said, Nov. 10, the "Marine Corps' birthday." His father, a printer, called this Thanksgiving "very surreal." Nodding toward her stepson, Tammy Powell added: "We have a lot to be thankful for. Because we're sitting here with him." At the same table, Janet and Kirby South of Greenwood, Ind., sat on either side of their second child, Lance Cpl. Klay South, 28.

South cannot talk easily these days. In Fallujah, on Veterans Day, he was shot from three feet away. The bullet ripped through his mouth and remains lodged in his throat. He will need months of dental and plastic surgery. "I'm overwhelmed by the concern and the care and thoughtfulness," Janet South said. "It's a way to honor these young men who've put their lives on the front line." Before the food was served, Janet South left the room, wiping tears from her eyes. "I was thinking about my son and how difficult it is for him," she said later. "He has a facial wound, which is a bit different. And he's so brave. He inspires me. . . . He's a fighter." Although his injury has been traumatic for the family, she said, "it's more traumatic for the young men that are on the ward" at Bethesda, where her son is recuperating.

But yesterday was Thanksgiving. And Janet South was living the day. "We are so thankful," she said. "We're thankful that we're able to be here with our son. There are a lot of parents who aren't as fortunate as we are because they have caskets, they have funerals. We don't, and we are so thankful."

© 2004 The Washington Post Company

Be Careful Out There

Catherine Bach then...

Anonymous wrote that we could change Cowboy Hat girl into Daisy Dukes with enough Oil of Olay and a haircut. Well, this is Daisy BEFORE she tried the Kirstie Alley Beauty Bomb ... er, Balm...

Be VERRRRY Careful!

Catherine Bach now

And this is Daisy Duke AFTER! Sure hope she doesn't try to hop in the ol' General Lee now. Looks like she may have been EATING that pancake makeup, with maple syrup.

"Somebody Took A Bite Outta My Hat"

There's just something about a girl in a cowboy hat.

Great Links

Excellent posts with real opinions and real photographs here.

Novels written for National Novel Writing Month on blogs.

A satirical and distorted look at the news*.

* Sample headlines:

• "Thanksgiving Message From Martha Stewart And Her New Girlfriend"
  
• "CBS Memo Shows Dan Rather Was Not A Real Journalist; Rather Resigns"
  
• "Prince William Says He Would Fight On Front Line If He Were Not So Busy"
  

Painted Indians

From Science Daily and the Los Angeles Times

CHICAGO — The Field Museum will auction off a series of 19th century portraits of American Indians by artist George Catlin — a decision that is expected to raise millions for the museum but which has divided its board of directors.

Jú-ah-kís-gaw, Woman with Her Child in a Cradle, 1835 Ojibwe/Chippewa oil 29 x 24 in. Smithsonian American Art Museum, Gift of Mrs. Joseph Harrison

Those opposed to the sale argue that it would forever break up a rare collection that offers a window into the daily lives of the tribes of the Midwest and Great Plains. Those who favor the sale insist that the paintings are worth more as art than they are as records of tribal life, and therefore are less important to the museum's focus.

The paintings were purchased for $1,250 by the museum in 1893, shortly after it was founded as the Columbian Museum of Chicago. Today, the Field Museum is known nationally for the size and depth of its natural history and anthropological collection.

On Dec. 2, Sotheby's Inc. will put 31 of the museum's 35 Catlin paintings up for auction in New York. Their value is estimated at $9 million to $15 million.

They are known as rare and unusual works: Catlin was the first Western artist to take his brush and canvas on a series of trips into Indian lands in the 1830s in an effort to capture the lives of tribes he believed would become extinct.

The following note appears with the painting above in a recent exhibition:

"In 1835, after his visit to Oklahoma, Catlin journeyed up the Mississippi by steamer from New Orleans to Fort Snelling, Minnesota, bringing his wife Clara on a western tour for the first and only time. Tribes of the Upper Mississippi and Great Lakes region such as the Ojibwe had been increasingly jostled by European traders, war, and U.S. expansion since the eighteenth century. Well before Catlin's arrival, they had incorporated woven cloth and elaborate beadwork into their dress."

Happy Thanksgiving!

A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has six legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

Spam, Egg, Spam, Spam, Bacon and Spam

Challenges for the UK: King Charlie, Spam Relaunched

LONDON, England -- Spam, one of the few available lunch meats during Britain's war effort, is being relaunched in the UK. A 2 million pound campaign has TV ads which claim Spam is quite British despite its roots in America and its being manufactured now in Denmark. This on the heals of Prince Charlie's disparaging memo about one of the women who work on his staff.

"It celebrates all things British from camping to the great British institution of the pantomime," Spam said.

"With the new ad we will remind lapsed users about the delicious taste of Spam whilst raising awareness amongst new users," said senior brand manager, Marianne Pollock.

Monty Python's Flying Circus featured a skit with singing Vikings and a waitress offering dishes such as spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam.

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Now that I know what those people have been feeding themselves, I won't be so critical about Gnarly Charlie and his "girlfriend". Or people who add "st" to normal words like "while" and "among". But really, do you think that ANY of the actors in the Harry Potter movies look healthy? They are all British, at the insistence of the author JK Rowling, who could use some Vitamin C herself. (And that's pronounced so the "vi" rhymes with "fly", not so the "vit" rhymes with "bit".) Honestly, why do they call this language "English"?

Eletelephony, by Shel Silverstein

From "Where The Sidewalk Ends"

once there was an elephant
who tried to use the telephant;
no no, I mean an elephone
who tried to use the telephone.
(Dear me I am not certain quite
that even now i've got it right)
how e'r it was he got his trunk
entangled in the telephunk
the more he tried to get it free,
the louder buzzed the telephee.
(i fear i'd better quit this song
of elehop and telephong.)

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One can think of this as nonsense, to make a five year old giggle. But let's read it aloud once in a while, so that gems like this are not lost.

It just doesn't... SING

CHICAGO (Nov. 17) - The discount retailer Kmart Holding Corp. is combining with one of the most venerable names in U.S. retailing, Sears, Roebuck & Co., in an $11 billion deal that will create the nation's third largest retailer... The company being created by the surprise combination announced Wednesday would be known as Sears Holdings Corp., but will continue to operate the Kmart and Sears stores under their current brand names.
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What a dull name! Let's see if we can help:

Sears + K-Mart
S from Sears, mart from K-Mart = Smart (You think?)
S from Sears, kar from K-Mart = Skar (Bandaids for old Scandanavian injuries)
ar from Sears, ar from K-Mart = Arar (Specialty items for grunts, sailors and WWF)
ar from Sears, mart from K-Mart= Arm Art (All employees will get tatoos by 2:00 pm)

or

K-Mart + Sears
Mar from K-Mart, s from Sears = Mars (Look at all the parking on the red planet)
t from K-Mart, ears from Sears = Tears (After the usual merger-caused layoffs)
KM from K-Mart, S from Sears = KMS (Nothing, but still better than Sears Holdings!)

Links of Interest

Patriotism runs deep in Lakehurst, NJ:
http://reflectations.blogspot.com
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Haikus to our absent friend:

Yoda said it best:
Begun, the ImClone wars have.
Bantha food you are!

http://www.savemarthastewart.com/haikus.shtml
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Blog Kills Brain Cells

Let me explain: a friend sent me an email concerning the blog, and how it gets put together. He mused,

“I’ll try to contribute when I can….hmmmm I guess I’ll need a pseudonym. To help throw Al Qaeda off my track, has ‘Sheik Jer-Bootie’ been taken???”

Well, yes, we don’t like to use real names here, because there are crazy people out there. But his clever, apt pun popped the clutch and ground the gears in my well-oiled but cantankerous old mental transmission, and I immediately started humming “Shake Yer Booty”, the classic from K.C. and the Sunshine Band. The song became more fascinating than blogs, or emails, or puns; and I found myself looking for the lyrics. Then I found them. Then reading the lyrics out loud as I noodled out the tune. Then putting the lyrics into an email to my friend. And then humming along with them again.

My email to my friend went like this:

“Alas, you got me started on KC & the Sunshine Band. I really liked that song, before I read the lyrics (below). Now, I think I'm brain dead. (I'm worried, because I think I want to read 'em again...)

“Enjoy!

“Everybody, get on the floor, let’s dance / Don’t fight the feeling, give yourself a chance / Shake, Shake, Shake / Shake, Shake, Shake / Shake your booty, Shake your booty / Shake, Shake, Shake / Shake, Shake, Shake / Shake your booty, Shake your booty / You can, You can do it / Very Well / You’re the best in the world, I can tell / Shake, Shake, Shake / Shake, Shake, Shake / Shake your booty, Shake your booty / Shake, Shake, Shake / Shake, Shake, Shake / Shake your booty, Shake your booty / (Shake, Shake, Shake, Shake) / (Shake, Shake, Shake, Shake) / Shake, Shake, Shake / Shake, Shake, Shake / Shake your booty, Shake your booty / Shake, Shake, Shake / Shake, Shake, Shake / Shake your booty, Shake your booty / (shake, shake, shake, shake) / shake your booty / Don’t fight the feeling / (shake, shake, shake, shake) shake your booty / Give Yourself a chance / (shake, shake, shake, shake) shake your booty / You can do it, do it / (shake, shake, shake, shake) shake your booty / Come on Come on now / (shake, shake, shake, shake) shake your booty / (shake, shake, shake, shake) shake your booty / OO Diamond sister / (shake, shake, shake, shake) shake your booty / do your duty / (shake, shake, shake, shake) shake your booty.”

Now I’m convinced that a good cut-and-paste is more valuable in writing a pop song than a big vocabulary. I can DO this! “Shake shake shake…”

My Granddaughter

Ciara, Four Months Old

Tina, my daughter-in-law, is psychic! This morning, I made a note to get a new picture of my granddaughter, Ciara (pronounced "keer-a"). Less than one hour later, this arrived in the U.S. from Dublin! Thanks, Tina!

As to Ciara, "Now I have to ask you confidentially... Ain't she sweet?!"

What A Favorite Place!

Grafton Street, Dublin

There are only a few places in the world which always have abundant human energy, 24 hours a day. From the people and not from an event or a rock star or a ride. Fifth Avenue NYC, Wanchai Hong Kong, and Grafton Street Dublin are among them.

Aurora Borealis: It's Not a New Model Toyota

Aurora, November 2004

Great pictures of the northern lights, Nebraska USA, this month. http://www.extremeinstability.com/04-11-8.htm The light show builds with each picture, so be sure to page down to the end. Thanks to my sister in Minnesota for sending this link.

Iran: Send Jimmy Carter!

Newsclip: VIENNA, Austria (Nov. 14) - Iran notified the U.N. nuclear watchdog in writing Sunday that it would suspend uranium enrichment and related activities to dispel suspicions that it was trying to build nuclear arms.

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The signing of the memo was a neat ceremony. They turned off the lights, and the pen glowed.