All the News That Fits, We Print

.
("DIT-DA-DIT... DIT-DA-DIT") Former FEMA Director Michael Brown told Congress yesterday that he spoke to "some guy" at the White House as Katrina hit New Orleans, not the next day. He remembers talking to them on his cell phone while trying to hold an umbrella with the other hand, because it's hard to push those buttons with your thumb.

It was hard for him to testify while simultaneously casting about for someone else to take the blame, every time a Senator asked a question. Wayne Gretzky said that he did not bet Brown would try to shift the blame again, since it was kind of a sure thing.

Brown said that later that day, he had several video conference calls with Homeland Security high mucky mucks. "We thought it was a Pink Panther re-run", a muck said when asked about the calls.

("DIT-DA-DIT... DIT-DA-DIT") Meanwhile, those third world people who are still irate about the cartoons (note: we did not mention any religion, thank you) are really mad about the opening of the Winter Olympics in Turin. (NBC calls it "Torino", like the Ford.) "The infidel Americans already have a short attention span," spewed Mustafa (not his real name). He said that certain of his people are buying up all the snow boards they can find, to hit the slopes in Italy and try to get some TV time.

("DIT-DA-DIT... DIT-DA-DIT") Zach Lund, a leading U.S. skeleton slider, is in trouble with the Olympic drug doping people for taking an anti-baldness drug. (Skeleton sliding is a sport where a guy rides a sled down a hill head first, like we did in Chicago as kids. We called it "sledding".) We all know that crashing repeatedly into an ice wall at Mach 1.2 head first on a sled will eventually lead to all of your hair falling out, so we think they oughta cut Zach some slack.