Hasty Ruminations

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Monday, November 29, 2004

Retrosexual Movement

Note: This is from an old shipmate of mine, named Fox. He claims that he's had it:

OK, I have had it. I've taken all that I can stand and I can't stand ... no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen are effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui. "Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual - bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world! Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, fart and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the Culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement.

The Code :

A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS WITH IT, be it a flat tire, a break-in at your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little wuss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor knot!

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot.

Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing and/or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" or "you wussies" look on his face.

A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.

A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride in a snow bank.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's). NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT !

Send this to all the MEN you know, even if they are "WUSSIES"


9 Comments:

  • At 12:36 AM, Blogger brendalove@gmail.com said…

    Ha! My favorite part is "Dealing with it". I spend a lot of time dealing with things. Can a female be retrosexual?

     
  • At 3:30 AM, Blogger Greg Finnegan said…

    Oh, I am sure of it. We need to write a list of R.W. attributes now (Retrosexual Woman), just as we have one for R.M. Here's a start:

    Retrosexual woman does not get all weepy when Someone forgets to take out the trash, forgets the anniversary, or forgets to bring the kid in with the groceries. She DEALS with it.

    Retrosexual woman knows that the fundamental forces - weak nuclear force, electromagnetic force, strong nuclear force, and gravity - can be fun topics of conversation, but not while trying to pick up a 7 / 10 split or dabbing Chanel #5 in certain places.

    Retrosexual woman gets satisfaction from running the VCR herself. She thinks that a woman who forces a man to assemble a barbecue grill just because he's a man is a wimp.

     
  • At 12:01 PM, Blogger Toni McGee Causey said…

    Greg, I love your blog. And the Retrosexual Male completely describes my husband.

     
  • At 7:33 PM, Blogger Jay said…

    This is great. On with the retrosexual revolution!

     
  • At 8:45 PM, Blogger Greg Finnegan said…

    Toni, I think that you are fortunate indeed to have a retro husband! Maybe your retro-ness keeps him there...

    -Greg

     
  • At 8:47 PM, Blogger Greg Finnegan said…

    Jay, right on! (I hesitate to say, "Right on, brother" because it's been done. And, "Right on, retrosexual" isn't right either; people will think weird things! So just a generic right on!)

    -Greg

     
  • At 12:21 PM, Blogger O'Conghaile said…

    Oh Yeah! Kudos to you Jay, you hit the nail square on the head! I think I've qualified for this 'retrosexual' definition since I was 5. I maintain my own cars, own firearms, cook & eat what I kill, hold the door, and always DEAL WITH IT! and have some scars to prove it. Scars, by the way, along with limps, aches and pains, show that you've 'lived' it and don't just talk the talk.
    I definitely qualify......


    - Stiofan

     
  • At 6:17 PM, Blogger Gerbera Daisy said…

    I say Bravo!!! This is well written. There should be more retrosexual males (gentlemen)in this world dealing with it, holding a door for a lady, offering a seat for a lady when there are none and having a man's word mean something followed up by a handshake. Also, being able to drive in crappy weather gets kudos from me.

     
  • At 7:07 PM, Blogger Greg Finnegan said…

    Gerbera Daisy, thank you for your very kind comments! Yes, there are too few retrosexuals.

    -Greg

     

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