Hasty Ruminations

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Tuesday, February 08, 2005

A Letter To My Pets

Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else --- not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me --- then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to
train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion
dollars for college --- and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.


  • At 8:46 PM, Blogger brendalove@gmail.com said…

    All of these are good! When it rains it pours, the ideas flow freely. I especially love the Pet Lecture. When your cats want to lay down with you, do they do that crazy dance? One paw, next paw, over and over again? That drives me crazy.

  • At 7:53 AM, Blogger Meredith said…

    I couldn't have said it better myself. Do you mind if I give my pets the same lecture? They too need a lesson in the word "Move!"

    My cat likes to sleep on my head though, which is not condusive to breathing. Now that he lives with my parents, my dad is especially not fond of this. And my cat is particularly fond of my dad! :)

    And I really agree with the bit about liking my pets better than most people. So true.

  • At 9:24 AM, Blogger ManicBlu said…

    This is great..so funny and so true. I have 3 cats or I should say they have me.


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