Hasty Ruminations

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Monday, June 05, 2006

I Love This Doctor!



Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO!! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"


  • At 6:58 PM, Blogger Wordnerd said…

    Thank you. Finally, medical advice that makes sense.

  • At 4:37 PM, Blogger vandamonium said…

    I think I'm changing doctors.

  • At 12:06 AM, Blogger Stew Magoo said…


    Clap clap clap

  • At 9:38 AM, Blogger Greg Finnegan said…

    Stew, clap is a different problem. It's medical name is gonorrhea.

    Beginning about the time of the Vietnam war, antibiotic-resistant strains of gonorrhea appeared in the United States. These resistant strains have been increasing over the last few years. Because of this, new treatments have now been recommended by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC). Instead of the standard penicillin treatment, gonorrhea is now treated by a large number of new and very potent antibiotics.

    This treatment regimen includes using one of the following:

    ceftriaxone, 125 mg (milligrams) injected into a muscle, one time
    cefixime, 400 mg by mouth, one time
    ciprofloxacin - oral, 500 mg by mouth, one time
    ofloxacin - oral, 400 mg by mouth, one time
    Spectinomycin, 2 grams injected into a muscle, one time
    cefuroxime Axotal, 1 gram by mouth, one time
    cefpodoxime proxetil, 200 mg by mouth, one time
    enoxacin, 400 mg given by mouth, one time
    erythromycins - oral, 500 mg by mouth, four times a day for one week

    So, thanks for contributing, and good luck!


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