Savvy Travel Tip

. Here's a helpful travel tip to our international jet setters:

DO NOT MESS WITH THE IRANIAN WOMEN POLICE!

Shotgun Tasers

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The Taser company is developing a shotgun Taser, which will greatly extend the current model's 25 foot range and add shock and force by using 12 gauge shotgun shells to deliver the voltage. The military and the police will have the weapons.

As a result, all of Vice President Cheney's former hunting partners are refusing to return his calls.

Back On The Road!

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Lacy is packed, and we get back on the road again on Wednesday, March 1st.

Negotiations are proceeding with a firm in New Hampshire for my next contract. They have a lot of work, so this could run for half a year or so. Unfortunately, that area is getting down to 14 degrees F at nights now (brrrrr...) but 50 to 60 during the day.

I mapped out the route, then I checked for RV campgrounds along the way that are open all year. I adjusted the route to match up with them, and then I ran the towns through the Weather Central dot com website for route weather. I am glad that I did! I changed the track to avoid some snow in the middle of next week in New York state, ran it back through the map site and got matching campgrounds. Now, I have a full set of maps, a whole list of campgrounds, and a schedule that will take eight days, a total of 59 hours of driving, and cover 3,247 miles.

The actual route I have is further south than the one above. I'm going to use I-70, not I-80, to avoid some weather.

Phew!

If negotiations break down, shifting to North Carolina instead of New Hampshire is not hard from this distance. Shifting to Los Angeles is even easier...

VW Commercial

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Now here's a clever ad from the folks at Volkswagen.

I recommend that you download the viewer, and then you can download and play videos like this from Google. There is no annoying pause as they fill the "buffer" - something we used to use on shoes and car wax.

Happy Birthday

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Goldie Hawn, the giggling girl on Rowan & Martin's "Laugh-In", has turned 60.

Another "Laugh-In" alumna is Lily Tomlin, who cracks wise as the President's secretary on "The West Wing".

I am now feeling elderly.

Governor Appoints An Expert

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Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is under fire.

They have this state commission against hate crimes and discrimination. So, The Guv appoints Claudette Marie Johnson last year to the commission.

Her day job? She is Minister of Protocol for Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan. Johnson is also known as Sister Claudette Marie Muhammad at Nation of Islam headquarters.

The Jewish Anti-Defamation League in Chicago is upset. Last year, according to the text of Farrakhan's Saviour's Day speech posted on the ADL Web site, the Nation of Islam leader said, "Jewish people don't have no hands that are free of the blood of us. They owned slave ships, they bought and sold us. They raped and robbed us."

Actually, this is all a ploy by The Guv, I think. He wants to show that he is ready to be Chertoff's replacement at Homeland Security if someone concludes that Chertoff is really a wack job. The Guv is well along in his Wack Job Correspondence Course.

Post Cereal Plant Blows Up

. An explosion has wrecked one of the Post Cereal Company's plants in Battle Creek, MI.

Perhaps they were pushing the envelope too far.

High fiber is great, but maybe there is a limit after all. Do we need to clean ourselves out explosively? Aren't baked beans effective any more?

Top Gun, indeed.

A Bribe? Surely, You Jest!

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The Secretary of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff, let Brownie screw up FEMA during Katrina; and he thinks it's just peachy to give el-Qaeda loving A-rabs control of our biggest ports. Now, he says there is no connection between Dubai getting the port contract and the UAE contributing over $100 million to Katrina hurricane victims.

Right.

So how is he going to explain a couple of dozen A-rab head scarfs as "gifts"? Funny that they would be just the right sizes for "W", Rummy, Chertoff and the rest of the Cabinet.

And don't call me Shirley.

A Plethora of Putziness

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So this rich guy is sittting on the ground next to his rare Enzo Ferrari, totaled on the Pacific Coast Highway near Malibu, at 6:00 am. Only a couple hundred of this one were hand built, at a price of $1.2 million apiece. He owns two, matching red and black. He claims someone else was driving at what the cops say was 162 mph when the car hit an embankment and then a power pole. Says that the driver took off running across the hills. Rich guy was in the passenger's seat.

Both air bags had popped, but only the driver's side air bag had some blood on it. And the owner had a cut lip. And there was no blood on the passenger's side. And the owner was drunk.

Some folks are just too rich.

Chemistry Set

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Seen the videos of Menthos blowing up in Coke?

That’s really lame compared to The Real Thing.

Ya sure, roll dem video, Lars, by golly.

HEY BLOGGERS!

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Bird Got The Flu? Time For A Shot.

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Europe, which dumps on the U.S. except when it is threatened, is now threatened. By birds with flu.

All in a dither, they are. Cartoons are almost laughable again in comparison.

Best thing to do is give the birds a shot. Size 7-1/2 or so, from a 12 gauge, should do the trick.

Now, who do we know who's quick with a shotgun?

Zen. Very Stoned.

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Zen Thoughts for Wednesday:

16. A clear conscience ... the sign of a bad memory.

17. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

18. Get a new car for your spouse. Even a used car would be a good trade.

Happy Valentine's Day

Redneck Valentine Poem

Collards is green,
My dog's name is Blue
And I'm lucky to have
A sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.

Yo're as fragrant as okry
Jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as lovely as snuff
Right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,
For which I am proud.
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
When you shave neath yore arms,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
And awed by yore charms.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day.
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
These won't do.
Cause yor'e too special,
You sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!


Thanks, Claudia!

Zen In Tights

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Zen Thoughts for Monday:

13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Cheney On His Way To Baghdad

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Vice President Dick Cheney shot a millionaire lawyer who is a Republican in the face, neck and chest while hunting for quail this weekend in Texas.

The lawyer, Harry Whittington, shot a bird and went to retrieve it in the tall grass, while Cheney and another hunter walked to another spot and discovered a second covey. Whittington "came up from behind the vice president and the other hunter and didn't signal them or indicate to them or announce himself," the owner of the Armstrong ranch said. "The vice president didn't see him," she continued. "The covey flushed and the vice president picked out a bird and was following it and shot. Harry was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty good."

In 2003, Cheney shot about 70 farm raised pheasants in a controlled "hunt", in one session. Pheasant stew, pheasant sausage, pheasant salad, pheasant pizza ... you name it.

The U.S. Army in Iraq is rounding up fake birds on thin sticks, which they can tie to suspected insurgents. Some insurgents they will just tar and feather, with bright feathers. The idea is that if enough decorated insurgents run past Cheney and his shotgun, well, the war could be over in a few days. Just so long as the shotgun shells hold out.

Zen Tastic

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Zen Thoughts for Sunday:

10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

11. Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.

12. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Time Is Up

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The wack job running Iran is out of his mind, and should be put out of our misery.

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Iran: U.S., Europe Should Pay for Drawings
Saturday February 11, 2006 8:46 PM
By NASSER KARIMI
Associated Press Writer
TEHRAN, Iran (AP) - Iran's hard-line president on Saturday accused the United States and Europe of being ``hostages of Zionism'' and said they should pay a heavy price for the publication of caricatures of the Prophet Muhammad that have triggered worldwide protests.
-----

a. The U.S. had nothing to do with the cartoons.

b. Wack job was one of the guards during our Jimmy Carter Mistake, when American hostages were held in Iran.

c. Wack job is now defying the world on nuclear enrichment for bombs.

It's time for ... what did they call it? Regime change.

Wack job President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad needs to be in the bombsite of a few smart bombs. And let's not get carried away: no invasion, no troops. Just get this guy, and get out. If his successors want to pick a fight, well then we can just re-load.

Zen Think

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Zen Thoughts for Saturday:

7. Disorientation is being diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

9. Half the people you know are below average.

All the News That Fits, We Print

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("DIT-DA-DIT... DIT-DA-DIT") Former FEMA Director Michael Brown told Congress yesterday that he spoke to "some guy" at the White House as Katrina hit New Orleans, not the next day. He remembers talking to them on his cell phone while trying to hold an umbrella with the other hand, because it's hard to push those buttons with your thumb.

It was hard for him to testify while simultaneously casting about for someone else to take the blame, every time a Senator asked a question. Wayne Gretzky said that he did not bet Brown would try to shift the blame again, since it was kind of a sure thing.

Brown said that later that day, he had several video conference calls with Homeland Security high mucky mucks. "We thought it was a Pink Panther re-run", a muck said when asked about the calls.

("DIT-DA-DIT... DIT-DA-DIT") Meanwhile, those third world people who are still irate about the cartoons (note: we did not mention any religion, thank you) are really mad about the opening of the Winter Olympics in Turin. (NBC calls it "Torino", like the Ford.) "The infidel Americans already have a short attention span," spewed Mustafa (not his real name). He said that certain of his people are buying up all the snow boards they can find, to hit the slopes in Italy and try to get some TV time.

("DIT-DA-DIT... DIT-DA-DIT") Zach Lund, a leading U.S. skeleton slider, is in trouble with the Olympic drug doping people for taking an anti-baldness drug. (Skeleton sliding is a sport where a guy rides a sled down a hill head first, like we did in Chicago as kids. We called it "sledding".) We all know that crashing repeatedly into an ice wall at Mach 1.2 head first on a sled will eventually lead to all of your hair falling out, so we think they oughta cut Zach some slack.

French Kissing Dangerous for Teens

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A study by bored English scientists concluded that French kissing by teenagers can spread meningitis. Took 'em two years, and lots of pictures.

We have long known that French children are encouraged by adults to drink wine at an early age. It keeps the kids quiet. Young men in America routinely try to get their dates to drink more than a few glasses of wine, because it makes them surrender easily. Turns out, that applies to the entire nation of France, too.

The English quacks will next explore whether it's safer for French teenagers to French kiss at an early age, since they may also start doing THAT as kids, too. Disgusting.

Aren't you glad that the Brits aren't working on something important?

Zen Un-Consciousness

.Zen Thoughts of the Day

4. I just got lost in thought... It was unfamiliar territory.

5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

An Honest Mistake

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We have a public service announcement from the San Luis Obispo County's New Times newspaper here in California:

"FROM THE EDITOR To Our Readers:

"First an apology, then an explanation.

"We deeply regret having provoked the community outrage that has been so forcefully expressed in response to last week’s cover story, “Meth Made Easy.” From throughout SLO County we received hundreds of angry letters and phone calls. Quite a number of you went to the trouble of visiting our office to voice your feelings in person. Many faithful readers vowed never to pick up New Times again. Businesses that for years served as distribution points told us they no longer want the paper in their stores. Other businesses withdrew advertising.

"Some people vowed to launch a boycott of those advertisers who remain. Certain individuals took it upon themselves to confiscate copies of the paper — many thousands of copies....

"Just in case there is doubt in anyone’s mind, I can state unequivocally that New Times does not condone or endorse the use of meth or any other illicit drug, a fact that could have been articulated more emphatically in “Meth Made Easy.”"

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Well, I for one feel better. And I hope that their entire staff benefits from their field trip to the Betty Ford Clinic.

Today's Zen Thoughts

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Three Zen thoughts for today:

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand ... you have different fingers.

More tomorrow ... or so.

The Search for John Paul Jones's Ship

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"GROTON, Conn. (Navy News Service) -- The Naval Historical Center’s (NHC) search for Revolutionary War naval hero John Paul Jones' ship Bonhomme Richard received further support in early February, when it was recommended for funding through the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration's (NOAA) Office of Ocean Exploration's competitive grant process.The NHC and Ocean Technology Foundation (OTF) plan to launch a search for Bonhomme Richard off the coast of England in July."

Boy, it's a good thing Jones was in the Navy. If he were in today's Army, they would have made him pay for the ship he lost! (See the next article, below.)

$700 Body Armor

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Have you seen the article about the soldier who was so seriously wounded in Iraq that they had to give him a disability discharge? He had a bomb blow up and wreck his arm. The medic removed his body armor, and burned it since it was bloody and policy is to destroy it to prevent re-use.

Some supply guy in the Army asked a year later where the body armor was. The soldier told him that the medic destroyed it. The supply guy didn't believe him. Since some form wasn't filled out, the supply guy made the soldier, a Lieutenant, pay $700 for it before they would discharge him. He's not a rich guy; he had to borrow the money from friends.

Senator Robert Byrd was questioning the Army Chief of Staff last week about their budget, and he asked the General about this, since the young man comes from West Virginia, Byrd's state.

The Lieutenant is a West Point graduate; I am an Annapolis graduate. We compete strongly in sports, but I deeply respect his Honor Code as I'm sure that he deeply respects my Honor Concept. If the Lieutenant says that's what happened, I am positive that that is what happened. No if's, and's or but's.

Here's what the General had to say:

"We certainly have procedures that account for battle loss, and I just find it a highly unusual story. But we'll certainly follow up and correct it if there's any truth to it."-- Gen. Peter Schoomaker, Army chief of staff

Now, they have added insult ("...if there's any truth in it") to injury ($700). I can understand a little: the General graduated from the University of Wyoming (Cheney's state) the same year I graduated from Annapolis, so "honor" doesn't have the same meaning to him as to a West Point grad. Just as "party" probably has a deeper meaning to him than it does to me. But he ought to read a book.

I am going to send him and Senator Byrd a note: send me the bill for the $700, and I will gladly pay it!

Garden of Eden Found... in New Guinea

. Ring Tailed Tree Kangaroo

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Scientists say they have discovered dozens of new and exotic species of birds, frogs and giant flowers in an Indonesian mountain jungle. "It's as close to the Garden of Eden as you're going to find on Earth," said Bruce Beehler, co-leader of the expedition to the Foja mountains in western New Guinea.

They explored it, and found new species, by landing their multiple helicopters in areas so remote even the natives don't go there. It must have looked like a Vietnam invasion to the little critters. The "explorers" were very amazed that the new animals were so fearless and trusting of the humans.

That alone is enough to tell you to "Get OUT!" Leave 'em alone!

I understand that the "explorers" from various "conservation societies" also had some really "rare" meat at dinner. Get it... (nudge, nudge) ... RARE?

Makes me sick. Helicopters, for heaven's sake! What were they thinking?

Civilization is anything BUT!

A Step Ahead

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Headline:

U.S. Army helps officers learn Arabic

Next: Basic Cartooning

Put it WHERE?

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"Up my nose?? You gotta be crazy!!"

Smartness

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A young girl in kindergarten announced to her Mom just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She said that the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it.

A frantic search through the daughter's room yielded nothing usable except one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. Off to school went the tee shirt and the daughter. That afternoon, the girl returned and happily showed off her shirt.

On one side it said, "Families are Forever."

And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start."

Perspective

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Thanks to dear friend Carole, who is recovering from neck surgery.


Pythagorean theorem: 24 words
The Lord's Prayer: 66 words
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words
The 10 Commandments: 179 words
The Gettysburg Address: 286 words
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words
The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words

Awww, Shucks...

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Your Hillbilly Name Is...

Squirrel Tractor

Hillbilly Name Generator

Be sure to come back and tell us so's we'll know you-all.

What Kind of Angel Are You?

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I like the pictures in this quiz. If I ever meet the author, I may become the Avenging Angel of Spelling; but for now, hey, we takes 'em like we gets 'em.

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You are the Water Angel. Also known as the Ice
Angel. You are known for your knowledge and
playfulness. Anyone who needs help, always
comes to you. You could figure out any
problem in a jiffy. Some people say that your
father is Albert Einstein. Who knows.

:Your animal:The bottle nose dolphin, why you ask,
because they are extremely smart, and very
playful.
:Your color:Dark blue, teal, and aqua.
:Your word symbols:Intelligence, playful, and
serious.

What Kind Of Angel Are You?(with great detailed information!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Laurel & Hardy Down Under

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A Swiss guy visited Sydney, Australia, and pulled up to a bus stop where Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy, on vacation, were waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asked.

Stanley and Oliver just stared at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tried.

The two continued to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" Other than a glance at each other, there was still no response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy gave up and drove off, shaking his head.

When he was gone, Oliver turned to Stanley and, twirling the end of his tie, said, "Y'know, Stanley, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"What for, Ollie?" asked Stanley. "That fellow knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."